February 9, 2026
Promotional banner for the satirical book Prime Evil: Inside Amazon’s Plan to Couchify Humanity by Walter Winkwink, featuring the book cover, crate imagery, and preorder message.

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RECENTISH HEADLINES

Two Founding Father figures in colonial attire facepalming next to the Articles of Confederation, highlighting their historical regret and poor governmental decisions.

The Articles of Confederation: Now Available in the “Mistakes Were Made” Museum Wing

An office desk buried under towering stacks of paperwork and binders labeled with redundant report titles, including “An Official Report on Official Reports,” “Appendix Appendex,” and “Reports About Reports,” surrounded by sticky notes, crumpled paper, pens, glasses, and a coffee mug labeled “Report Manager.”

Department of Redundancy Department Releases Redundant Report (Again)

A frustrated man in a business suit angrily yells at his iPhone on a busy city street. The phone screen displays a Siri message that reads, “Try again, but nicer.”

Apple Announces New iPhone Will Only Work If You Say Please

Walter Winkwink stands at the bottom of an ancient stone pit, looking up toward a distant opening where sunlight pours in.

Recollections: The Vault of the Second Echo

A man with blonde hair sits at a cluttered desk, seen from behind, holding a coffee mug while staring at a glowing laptop screen that reads “Pageview: 1.” The wall in front of him is covered in red yarn, pins, and notes forming a chaotic corkboard conspiracy map.

Walter Winkwink Launches Operation: Find the Last Reader

A tired man in pajamas and a bathrobe sits on a couch surrounded by delivery boxes, cameras, coffee mugs, and a cracked laptop, overwhelmed by side hustles.

Americans Admit They Don’t Want to Be Rich, Just Comfortable Without a Side Hustle

Four reindeer in business suits stand outside the North Pole Courthouse, with Rudolph holding a clipboard labeled “Lawsuit.”

Reindeer Sue Over Working Conditions; Cite Lack of Air Traffic Control

Four coworkers wearing Santa hats and name tags hold beers at a brewery, smiling awkwardly during an office holiday party.

Office Holiday Parties Rebranded as “Mandatory Cheer Compliance Events”

Four shocked Christmas elves in festive outfits stare wide-eyed at a laptop screen in a cozy North Pole workshop.

Mrs. Claus Starts OnlyFans to Fund Elf Pension Plan

Man meditating peacefully on the floor with eyes closed while holding a glowing smartphone with social media notifications.

Man Who Declared “I’m Logging Off for Good” Mysteriously Back Online 11 Minutes Later

Santa Claus wearing an Amazon warehouse vest scans a package while stressed-out elves in green uniforms sort Amazon boxes inside a converted North Pole workshop.

Santa Outsourced to Amazon; North Pole Becomes Fulfillment Center

Chaotic Thanksgiving food fight with a long family table covered in splattered food as furious relatives shout and hurl dishes across the room.

Report: 74% of Thanksgiving Fights Start With the Phrase “Not to Make This Political, But…“

A family of four sits around a Thanksgiving table staring in disappointment at a completely frozen, ice-solid turkey placed on a serving platter like a tragic centerpiece.

Man Preps for Thanksgiving by Googling “How Long Does It Take to Thaw a Turkey (Asking for a Friend)”

WHERE SARCASM GOES SOCIAL

TECHNOLOGY

Too Coherent to Be Real: Writers Accused of Being AI for Knowing Grammar

Apple Announces New iPhone Will Only Work If You Say Please

Cloud Wars 2025: AWS Crashed. Azure Stumbled. Cloudflare Face-Planted. The Future’s Fine

New “Trick-or-Treat Prime” App Lets Kids Order Candy Without Leaving the House

AWS Outage Plunges World Into Chaos as Humans Forget How to Human Without Wi-Fi

Windows 10 Users Banned from Society, Forced to Live in Offline Colonies

AI to Handle All Customer Complaints; Response Limited to “Have You Tried Turning Yourself Off and On Again?”

Banana-Powered Cars: The Fruit-Based Future They Don’t Want You to Know About

Smart Fridge Gains Sentience, Refuses to Open Unless Owner Apologizes for 2AM Cheese Incident

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ENTERTAINMENT

An angry, human-like tree with arms on its hips glares down at a white Range Rover that has crashed into its trunk, while a blue garbage truck lingers in the background.

Baldwin Crashes Wife’s Car, Blames Whale-Truck and Big Fat Tree. Plot Twist: He’s Fine

Close-up of Taylor Swift’s engagement ring from Travis Kelce, its gemstone glowing with swirling storm clouds and lightning, suggesting mythical weather-controlling powers.

Taylor Swift’s Engagement Ring Revealed to Be Ancient Alien Artifact That Controls Weather

Ryan Gosling sits on a wooden floor, focused on assembling a white IKEA-style bookshelf with an Allen wrench under warm cinematic lighting.

Netflix Greenlights 14-Hour Movie Where Ryan Gosling Slowly Assembles IKEA Bookshelf

Couple blankly staring at Netflix menu deciding what to watch

New Netflix Series Just 10 Episodes of People Deciding What to Watch on Netflix

Doc Surprised Reading Contract from 1937

Disney’s Snow White Remake: Seven Dwarfs File for Unemployment Amid CGI Takeover

Disney Cruises Gratuity Genie

Disney Cruise Unveils New “Gratuity Genie” Service: Rub Your Wallet for Extra Magic

BUSINESS

Department of Redundancy Department Releases Redundant Report (Again)

Office Holiday Parties Rebranded as “Mandatory Cheer Compliance Events”

Mrs. Claus Starts OnlyFans to Fund Elf Pension Plan

We’ve Eliminated Cash to Simplify Your Payment…By Adding a Fee

Elon Musk Now Makes More Per Day Than Most Countries, But Sure, Tell Me to Budget Better

Spirit Halloween Opens Store Inside Abandoned Spirit Halloween

AWS Outage Plunges World Into Chaos as Humans Forget How to Human Without Wi-Fi

I Read the Fine Print and Now I Owe Three Goats to a Toothpaste Company

“Going Out of Business” Signs: The Most Reliable Part of 2025

SPORTS

Chester ‘Box Score’ McStats in his cluttered garage, surrounded by charts and pizza, watching the Eagles vs Cowboys game during a lightning delay.

I Ran the Numbers: This NFL Season Is Already Over

Man in a Detroit Lions jersey shouts furiously at a football game on TV in a dimly lit sports bar, holding a chicken wing in one hand and a mug of beer in the other, while other bar patrons look on in amusement or concern.

Another Year, Another Chance to Blame the Refs

Veronica Conspiranza in a pickleball uniform and visor stands on a pickleball court, holding a paddle like a weapon and pointing to a whiteboard that reads “DINK = DATA.”

Pickleball Panic: Is This “Sport” a Government Psy-Op to Track Boomers?

Fan with foam finger blocking court of game 6 NBA Finals

Field of Screams: Why My Seat Was Too Close to the Whistle Guy

Pacers player on bench winners limp losers watch

This is the NBA Finals; If Your Calf Hurts, Try Using the Other One

GALACTICAL

Earth and the Moon, personified with human-like bodies and celestial heads, sit together at a trendy café table. Earth wears thick-rimmed glasses and a beanie while sipping oat milk from a mason jar. The Moon, also personified, wears black sunglasses and a casual sweater, appearing relaxed and cool.

Milky Way Rebrands as “Oat Milk Galaxy” to Attract Younger Demographics

A flip phone drifting in zero gravity with the AOL mail icon glowing on its screen

New Telescope Detects Parallel Universe Where Everyone Still Has AOL Email and Flip Phones

Snoop Dogg with blunt in space

Divine, Dank, and Deep-Fried: Blue Origin Announces Its Most Relatable Space Crew Yet

Elon Musk Negotiating with Martian Elders

Mars Colonization Plan Hits Snag as Martians Sue U.S. for Trespassing on ‘Ancient Martian Ancestral Land’

aliens disapprove of Earths leaders

Aliens Abandon Diplomatic Mission After Meeting Earth’s Top Candidates

LIFESTYLE

A man mid-sneeze accidentally taps a glowing "Subscribe Now!" button on his laptop, triggering a chaotic swirl of pop-up ads, QR codes, and subscription boxes labeled "ChairTime+," "Flossify," and "PeachDrop" in a cluttered living room.

Family Accidentally Joins 6 Subscription Services Just By Breathing

A tired man in pajamas and a bathrobe sits on a couch surrounded by delivery boxes, cameras, coffee mugs, and a cracked laptop, overwhelmed by side hustles.

Americans Admit They Don’t Want to Be Rich, Just Comfortable Without a Side Hustle

Four reindeer in business suits stand outside the North Pole Courthouse, with Rudolph holding a clipboard labeled “Lawsuit.”

Reindeer Sue Over Working Conditions; Cite Lack of Air Traffic Control

Man meditating peacefully on the floor with eyes closed while holding a glowing smartphone with social media notifications.

Man Who Declared “I’m Logging Off for Good” Mysteriously Back Online 11 Minutes Later

Santa Claus wearing an Amazon warehouse vest scans a package while stressed-out elves in green uniforms sort Amazon boxes inside a converted North Pole workshop.

Santa Outsourced to Amazon; North Pole Becomes Fulfillment Center

YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

Four panicked office workers with coffee cups stare at a computer screen that reads “ONE FILE HAS DESTROYED EVERYTHING,” surrounded by sticky notes saying things like “HELP,” “FIX IT,” and “DO NOT TOUCH,” representing an exaggerated tech crisis.

Cloud Wars 2025: AWS Crashed. Azure Stumbled. Cloudflare Face-Planted. The Future’s Fine

A young male cashier in a green shirt and apron stares blankly at a customer's hand offering a pile of pennies, with a sign in the background reading "We No Longer Accept Ancient Relics."

Death of a Coin: Penny Declared Legally Useless, Sent to Live on a Farm Upstate

A young cashier at a trendy smoothie shop looks serious behind a point-of-sale system displaying a $1.79 convenience fee, with a sign reading “NO CASH. NO EXCEPTIONS. NO MERCY” on the wall and a colorful smoothie on the counter.

We’ve Eliminated Cash to Simplify Your Payment…By Adding a Fee

Elon Musk lounges in a futuristic white sleep pod aboard a yacht at dusk, smirking with his eyes closed. A Tesla rocket labeled “Quiet the Noise” launches outside the window, and a glowing digital display above his head shows his net worth as $491.4 billion.

Elon Musk Now Makes More Per Day Than Most Countries, But Sure, Tell Me to Budget Better

Earth and the Moon, personified with human-like bodies and celestial heads, sit together at a trendy café table. Earth wears thick-rimmed glasses and a beanie while sipping oat milk from a mason jar. The Moon, also personified, wears black sunglasses and a casual sweater, appearing relaxed and cool.

Milky Way Rebrands as “Oat Milk Galaxy” to Attract Younger Demographics

Plankton sits at his underwater home office desk wearing a headset, startled as a massive whale swims past his window.

Remote Employee Claims to Hear Whale Song Outside His Window, Coworkers Confirm He Might Be Living in Bikini Bottom